With tomorrow being Valentine’s Day, let’s talk about love—not the kind that’s about self or other, but the delicate balance between the two. True self-love isn’t just an individual practice; it’s the foundation of how we show up in relationships and is reflected back to us by others. When we set healthy boundaries, communicate clearly, and turn toward both ourselves and our partners, we create a love that is both nurturing and sustainable.

Esther Perel speaks of the tension between autonomy and connection—the paradox that love requires both closeness and space. She suggests tending to yourself while also supporting your relationship by practicing “separateness together.” This means intentionally nurturing your own interests, friendships, and inner world while also staying engaged and connected with your partner. Instead of seeing distance as a threat, view it as the space where desire and appreciation grow.

For those of us with an anxious attachment style, this can feel uncomfortable—distance may bring up fears of disconnection. For those of us with an avoidant style, closeness might feel overwhelming. One of the first steps I took on my healing journey that I encourage for you is to begin by understanding your own needs while knowing that having needs doesn’t make you needy.

I offer you a question to ask yourself to bring awareness to your pattern and take steps toward a more balanced connection:

For an anxiously attached person:
“Am I seeking reassurance, or do I have a genuine need for connection right now?”

For an avoidantly attached person:
“Am I withdrawing to honor my need for space, or am I creating distance to avoid vulnerability?”

If past experiences have made relationships feel unsafe or confusing, healing connections can help restore your sense of trust, self-worth, and security. Therapy is one way to explore this—to better understand your patterns, heal relational wounds, and move toward love that feels truly safe and nourishing. If you’re ready for that work, I’d love to support you. Reach out.