Understanding How Others’ Behavior Reflects Their Story—Not Yours
“What other people say and do has more to do with them and their history than it does with me.”
This simple yet powerful mantra can be a grounding force when your self-worth feels shaky after an interaction. If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety, people-pleasing, codependency, or self-doubt, you’re not alone, and this reminder may be exactly what your nervous system needs.
As a psychotherapist offering online therapy in California, I often work with clients navigating challenges in emotional wellness, self-esteem/love, and relationship anxiety. One thing I hear time and again is: “I feel like it’s my fault.” May this mantra gently interrupt that inner narrative.
Why The Boundary Mantra Matters in Anxiety Therapy
When someone criticizes us, withdraws, or responds in a confusing or hurtful way, our first instinct is often to turn inward and wonder: “What did I do wrong?” This is especially common for people with a history of anxiety, depression, attachment wounding, complex trauma, or low self-esteem.
But the truth is- people’s reactions, especially their difficult ones, are often shaped more by their story than yours. Their past. Their patterns. Their pain. We all see and behave through our own lenses of conditioning. When you internalize others’ behavior as a reflection of your worth, you lose connection with the truth of who you are.
That’s where this mantra comes in: “This is about them. This doesn’t define me.”
A Practice to Support Your Emotional Wellness
This mantra isn’t about deflecting all responsibility. In healthy relationships, accountability and acknowledging your part matters. But for those prone to people-pleasing, over-functioning, or over-apologizing, this becomes an essential practice in nervous system regulation and developing self-trust.
Try this four-step process:
- Pause when you feel triggered by someone’s words or actions.
- Breathe and repeat the mantra: “What they’re saying and doing has more to do with them than with me.”
- Check in: What do I know to be true about myself right now? (here is where you can check in with whether their truth about you is actually your truth about you, or whether you have a part in this).
- Reconnect to your values and let that guide your next step.
Boundaries Are Not Walls—They’re Bridges to Self
Practicing this mantra builds internal boundaries. It allows you to remain open without becoming dysregulated or overly responsible for someone else’s experience. It helps you discern when to lean in, and when to step back. These are essential skills for navigating relationships, anxiety, and emotional health.
Therapy Can Help You Stay Grounded in Your Truth
If you’re doing the work of reclaiming your voice, building boundaries, and navigating anxiety in relationships, therapy can help. Working together, we will explore how to root into your worth, even when the world around you feels uncertain.
I offer online therapy for adults across California, and I’d be honored to support you in this journey of healing and self-trust. Get in touch today for support.
Warmly,
Elana
